Why people may not ask for the help they want or need to achieve a personal or professional goal?
During the period of 2 months before the child is born through to about 3 years old the human’s fight or flight response is being developed. Some times people call this the reptilian brain or critter brain. As our brains are developing at about the 2 to 6 months old stage (based on the Neo-Reichian Model of development) if a child is deprived of their needs (by say, the parent not reaching for the child) the child doesn’t reach back.
An example of this is a child learns not to cry because there is no response from the mother to that child’s crying. The fight or flight response learns not to need. Once that period of time has gone by, it is locked into the memory and the next stage of development occurs. Our brains strive to make all processes automatic (like driving a car and recognizing we put a key into the car’s ignition, or walking into a room and recognizing we are in a room) and place these early memories in the subconscious where the conscious brain can’t readily access it. However anytime the human experiences a situation where the human has a need the memory comes up.
One could imagine that up until the point of adulthood a child might need many times. Each time the memory from the 2 to 7 month range comes up, it reinforces the feelings associated with not getting what it needs and the child stops the wanting behavior. The hurt is so great that feels as if the human is being threatened of death. Because this is happening subconsciously and the human is relating to its conscious environment the conscious reality gets wrapped in the previous memory and compounds the feels of hurt, updating the feeling of death. To the human when it experiences any threat to its very existence it will do anything to remove itself from the situation.
What’s stopping them?
Every time the human needs something, up flashes this compounded memory of being deprived. Because of the brain’s automatic processing the human doesn’t see the memory they just feel the bad feelings and remove themselves from the situation (flight).
What are the most common reasons they don’t ask?
Most people will come up with some conscious reason for why they didn’t ask to make sense of their response. It could be anything. They didn’t feel well, they got scared, they knew it wouldn’t work out, they are losers, they like life the way it is, etc. The real reason is their subconscious is reminding them of a very bad feeling that feels like they are dying. This is the human fight or flight response reacting.
Next, what are some practical strategies to overcome those obstacles?
Although if you are brave enough you can feel the fear and do it anyway – which is why there are so many of those self-help companies out there doing fire walks, bungee jumping, parachute jumping and the like. What this offers is a feeling of huge elation and relief after performing the task. But it doesn’t resolve the problem because behavior change is only one little piece of the puzzle and it is not sustainable.
If you find yourself not achieving a personal or professional goal try working with a NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) practitioner they are armed with many tools to make the brain’s fight or flight response be at ease and can help update that previous programming. Some of the tools can fix phobias, bad habits but most of all what they do is revise the meanings we humans make with those old memories to better suit new situations so the human can achieve what they want. What’s great about it is it usually takes 1-3 sessions to move through something entirely. They will ask questions around the question “what would you like?” and then access the memory associated with it through watching the way the human’s eyes move. Once the memory is accessed the practitioner will ask the client to find the meaning behind the memory and help the client alter it.
Tracy Slotin, MBA is a Certified Master Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner who offers “NLP Marin style” NLP sessions and training in Vancouver, Canada www.NLPVancouver.ca