Tag Archive for safety

Presupposition #3: People are always doing the best they can

Human beings work perfectly to produce the results they are getting. No one is broken. You are perfect and whole just as you are. There is nothing wrong with you… but that also means there is nothing wrong with anyone else, too. 

People are always making the best choice(s) available to them. Given our awareness of our choices, we are all doing the best we know how to do at every moment in time.  We make the best choice available given our unique resources, environment, conditioning, history, and other functions. Within it, we learned what to do and how to do it, what and how to want it, what to value and how to value it, what to learn and how to learn it. This is our experience. From our experience, we make all of our choices. When we have better choices available, to us, we use them.

The conditions we learned to survive (as infants and toddlers) becomes the experience upon which our continued survival depends. Which means, what we learned become a pattern of what we deem as safe. Our brains are always checking, are we safe? Are we safe? If not, it sets off alarm bells. The only problem is the alarm bells are usually bad feelings, disappointments, sadness, hurt feelings, etc. Our brains are checking if the current environment is safe against what it knows (ie: our current map of reality.).

Disappointment requires planning.

-Richard Bandler

So then, healing, growth and success are not a question of getting rid of or eliminating behaviors. Healing, growth and success are a matter of acquiring more behavioral choices. These behavioral choices provide more options for useful responses in all areas of our lives. 

One of the things I tell my clients is that not only that they are doing the best that they can that they know how but, so did their parents and the other people that took care of them at that young age. Those people that created that young experience, we now have embedded as our internal warning and safety system. We can allow that warning system to relax by offering an alternative such as a positive intention. Like: Your parents did the best they could, with the skills they had and that they knew how. By allowing your system a choice, we get to expand your behavioral flexibility and ultimately your experience of life.

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com

What is NLP? Definition #8

NLP is… The study of human excellence. To me personally, it was and is the only way of releasing my own personal genius. I was so hurt by my parents’ lack of ability to make me feel safe and accepted that I hid from everyone else and worked in a career I hated, made choices that suited everyone else for their benefit, and not mine.

One of the things my NLP mentor says is “In a family of thieves the one that doesn’t steal feels guilt.” For me, this one that feels guilty and drawn back in to what they don’t want time after time, is me. I wanted so badly to go to school and just learn. And, my family made sure I knew there was something wrong with me. To me it was the key to making people happy about their lives and their work and who they are. To me this was worth all the school I had to do. For them, I was the family pariah.

I came across this NLP stuff by accident as I was starting my PhD in Humanistic Psych for the first time. What I didn’t know is that my family systems was the perfect teaching ground for hypnotic language, languaging patterns, and all the elements of NLP. I was already doing it. So when I learned NLP for real, I was a natural.

One of the aspects that often referred to as a “pillar of NLP” or “part of the nested frames of NLP” is something called “Rapport.” With rapport you make another person feel safe in their skin. My mentor calls it being “Gazelle-like” (think 2 gazelles meeting vs. a tiger and gazelle meeting). In creating rapport with someone, they are able to let down their guard with you. What I didn’t realize was, I was very good at this with people. The problem was I didn’t know how to turn it off. And so, what would happen is I would have people inappropriately come on to me, or freak out when I didn’t do something they expected.

Rapport is the first and essential step in every human interaction. Without this no NLP change process can work. There are levels of rapport. Someone we have deep rapport with feels amazing to be around. They feel like they understand us at a level that no one else does. Many great relationships were started because of great rapport. But being in rapport with someone doesn’t mean they do actually understand you – that takes time.

Not being in rapport with someone will feel like you are on guard. Like you can’t say anything right. In my family it was dangerous to not know what another person expected from you and rapport was the only way for me to get that information. It was a survival tactic because the alternative was to be on the end of annihilating rage.

When you learn this in a family, you expect this out in the world. In fact you could line up a thousand healthy people and one borderline personality disorder(BPD) person and I could pick the BPD out with a blindfold. That is whom my mind would code as most safe. That was my reality before I learned and experienced NLP. After learning NLP, I sometimes slip, into doing more rapport than necessary because I like when feel safe being around me… but I get to choose now. And, that choice has changed my world dramatically. 

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com