Tag Archive for communication

Presupposition #10: Communication is redundant.

You cannot not communicate. We are always communicating, at least nonverbally, and words are often the least important part (Albert Mehrabian said about 7% of the communication). A sign, a smile, and a look are all communications (About 55% according to Mehrabrian). Even though our thoughts are communications with ourselves, and they are revealed to others through our eyes, voice tones(38%), postures, and body movements.

The experience of being human requires us to make meaning out of everything. Communication is always happening. It is never not happening. All words, all behavior, communicate something. You cannot stop communicating.

Understanding another’s communication is the basis for everything in our world occurring or not. It is the reason why things work or not, why people are inspired or not. Your words are powerful beyond measure – not because of the meaning you associate with those words, but the meaning that others around you, listening to your words associate with those words. You communication has the power to build people up and tear people down.

My mother used to say the words “we’ll see.” She used this sentiment most commonly with things she didn’t believe were going to take place. Although the two little words mean nothing and have no expressly negative or positive connotation to them alone, I can hear the intonation quite distinctly a clearly from her.  Even when I read these words to myself they are about casting doubt and non-belief.

When I as graduating from anything, high school or university, I would be standing in my cap and gown before the service and she would ask if I was going to get something. I would reply “yes” as if the wind was knocked out of me for her thinking I would create such an elaborate rouse. She would then reply in her doubting voice “Well, I guess we’ll see.”

It took me four graduations to get it right. I realized the work I did was for me, not her. And, the graduation was about me and my accomplishments, not her, and her doubt. And, on my fourth graduation day for my Master’s degree, I didn’t invite her.

Now, if she was responsible for the results of her communication then she probably wouldn’t have been hurt by this action. But she wasn’t. And that’s how we live our lives – expecting others to be responsible for how their communication lands but not being responsible ourselves for how our communication lands on others. This presupposition alone, in my opinion would build up so many people and improve so many relationships.

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com

Presupposition#7:The meaning of our communication is the response that we get

In any interaction there is what you intend to get across and the response your communication actually creates. The meaning of your communication is not about what you intend, but what is received and understood by the receiver. Others receive what we say and do through their mental map of the world. When we communicate anything, and particularly when someone hears something different from what we meant to communicate, we have an opportunity to notice if what we said was received as we intended it to be received. That way we can adjust our delivery.

Communication is about creating an experience in, and getting a response from, the listener. This presupposition gives us both the responsibility and opportunity to vary our communications until we get the response we want.

When I was doing my Master’s thesis I had been assigned a thesis advisor that didn’t communicate in my language. We were both speaking English but at the time, it seemed that no matter what I did to follow his instructions, I failed.

I would request that we have a conversation on the phone so I could ask him questions about what he was saying. And, he would respond by sending me an email saying that what he was communicating was completely understandable by email and that a phone call wouldn’t make anything more clear so it was a waste of his time – even though his job was to be my liaison to the university for getting through the master’s thesis process.

This issue went on for months and I was subjected to what felt like, his insults of my efforts. For every page I wrote, he would mark and send back to me. All I could I see when I opened the page was a sea of red. His most common comment to me ways, “This is not a sentence.” Which to me was impossible since I had already been a published author and received A’s in every course for my term papers. The detail of this experience was killing me. Every time I received an email from him it would throw me into fits of rage, helplessness and most of all hurt.

Finally, exasperated, I asked a previous professor of mine to look at something I wrote and included this advisor’s comments. She took one look and said, it looks like you are writing marketing copy and he is asking for academic writing. I had used the wrong language, but the advisor I was working with couldn’t express it in terms I could understand!

From my past professor’s comment it took a about a week to turn around and my thesis was submitted and accepted… just because someone spoke to me using my language preference.

So, ask yourself, where are you frustrated when you communicate with someone in your life?  Where you say “left” and they go right? Next time it happens to you, try something else, some other way of expressing what you are trying to communicate. If they can’t understand the detail, explain the big picture and vice versa. Or if they always disagree, tell them there’s no way it will work so they can figure out how to make it work. As my mentor says – “Be willing to be indefinitely wrong!” If your communication is not working try something else.

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com

What is NLP? Definition #4

NLP is… A toolbox of techniques for expanding perceptions, changing behaviour, redefining capabilities, revising beliefs, updating identity, & extinguishing personal coherence & well being.

Gregory Bateson said that in processes of learning, change and communication, there were natural hierarchies of classification. He also said that it was the confusion of these logical levels that often creates problems. The reason for each level to exist was to organize the information on the level below it. So, if you would change something on one level it wouldn’t affect the upper levels, but would cause change in the lower levels in order to support the change at the higher level.

Robert Goldson devised a hierarchical list of logical levels of change. So the higher on the list, the harder to create the change. And, the higher the change on the list creates change and support for changes lower on the list. The list was as follows: (high) Identity, Belief, Capacity, Behavior, and Environment (low). John Grinder said this was illogical. However, in NLP we tend to use what works… and this logical levels of change, works.

Understanding the logical levels of change creates a context for thinking about NLP techniques.  It also provides a framework for gathering and organizing information, so we can identify to the best point to intervene in making change. As humans, we do not change in bits and pieces, but organically. Learning and change can take place at any level or levels.

Identity change deals with your sense of self  – your values, your purpose, who you are.

Belief change deals with what you believe is true about life: the ideas that determine your daily behavior. Beliefs can be values, permissions, necessities or limitations.

Capacity change deals with the sets of behaviors, skills and strategies we use to function in our daily life.

Behavior change deals with the specific actions we carry out regardless of our capacity.

Environment change deals with what we react to – our surroundings, the people and the events that make up our experience.

So you may have noticed that after attending a seminar or reading a self-help book the processes doesn’t work after a week. It is precisely because behaviour is a lower level of change. And, to change a behavior permanently one must also make the belief and capacity level changes. Belief and Identity level changes are difficult to create with out specificity. When an author is writing and book or a speaker is running a seminar, it is difficult for them to create enough specificity for your unique belief system to create that level of change. At the most they could make some capacity level change.

If we don’t change identity or belief, it can clash with a new capability. The system in those instances will throw it out due to cognitive dissonance. NLP starts with behavioural and capacity change to figure out what’s not working. It then goes to belief and identity to create the sustained change.

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com 

Do you know your strongest sense?

The reason why most people don’t know their strongest sense is because we process information in patterns of smells, tastes, pictures, feelings and sounds. And, we don’t always use the same order for processing every thought we process. That means we switch or are shape shifters.

Approximately 80% of North Americans are visual oriented, with 15% making up sound oriented, and 5% are feeling oriented. Europeans are mostly smell, taste and feeling oriented. So what does that mean for you and me? It means that the likely hood of someone understanding what we mean by “pass the salt” is very slim and quite a miracle…

The best way to tell your strongest sense is to listen to the words you use in your conversations. You will find that in the words you use, your predicates will indicate your preferred senses… for example visual people say things like “Can you see what I mean?” but and auditory person would say something like “Can you hear what I’m saying?” If a person is dominantly auditory and you are speaking to them as a dominantly feeling example: “Can’t you feel how good it would be to have a clean room?” it will be as if you are speaking a completely other language to them.

In your communication, you will find you use 2 senses the most, but you will use one more than the other. This is your primary sense or the sense you go to first most often in processing information. This is also the sense you prefer receiving information in as well.

 

Tracy Joy is an NLP practitioner, author, and speaker in Vancouver, Canada. She is an international business expert in the area of human systems analysis and thinking change. If you have brain questions, send them Tracy and she’ll answer them on this blog. She can be reached through www.TherapeuticNLP.com